Simba's Journal - "Once a potato, always a potato"|
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|Sunday, January 20th, 2019|
I'm depressed. I was suspended from the course for a few days ago (since Tuesday ) and i may be back in course tomorow and the lady that works in the course said to me that she'll let me know ,like be in touch and now it's 22:21 PM it's getting late.. my work on Tuesday is cancelled since the class is on some trip.... So no work this week. So much to do ,so much little time left.. i feel like if i go there tomorrow nobody will wanna talk to me . It all blew out of proportion, therefore i was suspended cause of some stupid psychologist from their place that have NEVER even met me ,she doesn't know ANYTHING about me and based on whatever was decided to suspend me.... I'm a deep person. I like talking about life and death. Specifically death. I can't talk about it to anyone there ,they said that it hurts them ,even though they didn't ask everyone in the course. Stupidity at its finest ! If i wanna talk about death then i will ,it's not like im murdering someone, jeez ! - - -
Anywho , ma Best Friend is bak and it's nice ...i love talking to him.. i know i get clingy as what some people say ,but im don't think im always great in friendships, let alone maintaining . But i really care about him ,i hope he'll never forget about me. I don't forget about people who influenced me in some way or people who mean a lot to me, that's the word.. - - -
I may have forgotten to take my pills last night cause i felt sickning ...now it's just sore head. But oh' well ,no worries.. i was able to get the series called ER and i just finished the first episode of season 01 awhile ago since it was a 2 in 1 i guess idk....
At least i don't feel anything ,now i just feel real depressed an numb.. my brother has point tho ,he agreed with me yesterday when i said that the school screwd me over and it's the truth.. he says then i should make a change. Change society, fix society, cause there is probably more people like me out there, who are facing the same problems, and no one there to listen ,and to understand them ,what they are going through..
Simba Current Mood: numb
|Saturday, November 10th, 2018|
I feel like crap. My Best Friend is gone forever.. he hates me now... im extremely depressed, im nothing now.. sorry i was so clingy ... sorry i was annoying ,lot of people find me annoying and idk why ... oh well i guess its me... im gonna be depressed forever now... maybe I'll drink again in few days who knows... or actualy maybe just cut myself a little since i didn't exactly like my lady experience of being drunk idk.. wonder if i hit a vein I'll just die... waiting for nothing... even so, i can sort of relate to him... but i guess i dont matter anymore so I'll be off.
|Thursday, October 25th, 2018|
im waiting for my Best Friend to recover... other than that im depressed wreck... waiting.. an waiting... im tired.. numb... why should i even stay alive? its obliuse i cant seem to find this.. point or whatever it is... im doing nothing.. much. i have to complete 35 days of work cuse SOMEONE didnt fix whatever it was and it was only later that i noticed an know one even told me... this world feels cold rn an numb... closing in... dying inside.. im sad.. so sad.. a world without my Best Friend isn't worth living, for the sake of my Best Friend id personally give him my kidney, i feel like his stomach will need it more than me heck i dont appreciate life as much these days i rather die knowing that i was able to help my Best Friend stay alive....
|Friday, October 19th, 2018|
im here. but you're not.
i don't know what about you but i miss you alot.
Wedding today, mammy let me have a little drink.. i asked her if i got drunk, and she said that i only had a little bit.... i didn't even get to finish it all.... i guess getting drunk will get me nowhere in life.... but i feel that there is no point to life anymore.. i have other problems than autism and depression im sorry i didn't say anything sooner😢 i think no body would ever love me if i tell them my other problems... not that i didn't wanna say.. just i mentioned them to other people before and they just looked at me in a crooked face, as if to say 'what?' an i had someone tell me before that ew i dont get you... so i rather not talk bout my other problems.... my Best Friend loved me and im getting really sad and depressed i lost direction i dont see a point i think maybe life isnt for me... y bother trying to get happy if im only gonna get more sad, more numb an more depressed? i may have did well back in high school during SATs but i was put in too much pressure and stress that i became more sad... and my ex boyfriend who made me so small.... eventually everything from the past comes back to hunt you... ultimately, killing you... if that's the case.... no one said that life was perfect... but something's just not that right.... or maybe im just confused right now idk😔
Current Music: Mashina - Tachzor
|Monday, October 15th, 2018|
im depressed. i found out that i went to a crap school and that American schools are waaaay better like ffs i wish i went to a school there instead of mine.. mine was super quite and i was very clueless and naive at the time that when like other ppl from regular classes try talk to me they like hiii am like hi an then is like how was your holidays im like it was ok and that's it like literly i wouldn't ask them how they were and whatever Oo i think im getting there tho... maybe idk/ plus i was in a small class (not that i have a problem with that ) an soon to learn that some ppl with autism don't really accept me anyways.... like in 9th grade was not great, like i cried one time cuse my teacher gave us a test and she wouldn't let me finesh it so im like ok and a few minutes went an someone's like teacher teacher ya'ara is crying!! an she asked me y was i crying but i was scared to tell her so the class assistant is like come with me we went outside class she asked me i asked if she'll tell she said she wouldn't but it was a fucking lie cuse my teacher came out afterwards shouting at me..... gave me back my test too.. but i know now it was basically to see timewise how we go about the test and had i known that before hand it would have been a lot better.... oh well
I hope my Best Friend will never forget me and i also hope and wish that he'll get well and that he'll have a happy life with no pain or at least less pain ... Ok byebye ,simba
|Saturday, October 13th, 2018|
"it may seem impossible right now,
it may be too far,
it will happen !
we will finally meet
and hug eachother oh so tight
As we look at the sky
waving our goodbyes,
yet to come"
What makes feel calm is watching my show miraculous cuse it interesting an watching movies and documentaries make escape reality like feeling numb or whatever an you watch wathever it is an you get suckd in to it oh and playing NFS i really like it i play with the steering wheel we got long go b an my brother said im abnoxios an selfish but mammy says that im not so idk... i made DIY slime few days ago i didn't like the first part of it cuse i got my hands all messy and gooey but i liked the ending of it an it makes me feel good knowing that my Best Friend is ok and alive an hope nothing bad happens to him and writing poems from sad depressing feelings is good instead of cutting an killing myself ig but i don't show em really except my Best Friend an psychologist an little work but he hat to go he said that it high chance he staying but no so but he said they'll b someone else for sure idk i dont like keep changing then it like less strust gotta start all over again IDK anyways that's all i wanted to say plus there's a birthday party for some girl that was in work last year an she's ok ig... Last time i went to her birthday party i msg mammy after a while saying i wanted to go cuse it bit uncomfortable in away
K im pretty sure there isn't anyone reading this except those weird bots that put ads and whatever but if there is then thankyou
im really sad rn... id suffer for my Best Friend if i hat to just for the sake of my Best Friend cuse i love him and care about him that much that i would.... he gave me so much and i wanna say thankyou very much an I'll always love you no matter what happens
|Wednesday, October 10th, 2018|
i cried last night. idk why but i did... i dont see the point... we're all gonna die in the end, and we all know that i don't look that pretty anyways so ill never have anyone.. if someone wanted to have sex with me then they'll get really put off from my old cuts on both my legs... and my scratching.. and other problems... See im just a problem, a "thing"... when people r done with me then just toss me away.. idc anymore, i dont understand why i am still alive... after my paracetamol attempt... I should've been dead, but no... I may sound ungrateful right now but its just because i haven't found a point to living yet... sorry😔
|Tuesday, October 9th, 2018|
numb.... i feel numb, my Best Friend aint here no more an im feeling empty.. tryna get somethin in my life yet ending up sleeping... i had a bad dream today, my brother was there an other ppl an mammy, an bit of mcpe, my depression got really bad an i was ended up laying on the floor crying not moving a muscle, cuse some girl told me to go "delete" myself.. it scared me, an it got real bad they were like we probably need more mother's to help me.... well that was my dream anyways, woke up round late 12 - 13 PM... i dont see a point rn... not without my friend.. his been with me ever since i tried to kill myself an his been there for me so i aint gonna let him go, for better or for worse, I'll stick by his side no matter what an no matter what anyone tells me, cuse i love him. he'll always have a place in my heart, even if he not coming back :(
|Sunday, September 30th, 2018|
Life an Death
im depress n feeling numb... i am thinking bout life an death. I don't see a point continuing. I feel the numbness in me like im gone so dull idk.. tried to create a mcpe server so me an my Best Friend can finally play together but fails.. so i left it for now, i don't know how to do all these server stuff i followd YouTube video an Minecraft pe tells me that server version outdated so idk..
I feel sad like small tears almost coming down but they stay up... No more work, no more nothing, no more shit, might aswell just sleep the days off till i eventually die... i mean, not like im gonna be rememberd for or by something... im not heroic person, im just dumb.. clueless an dumbh
|Thursday, September 13th, 2018|
Mammy is in a bad mood. everyone is in a bad mood. I feel sad. Current Mood: sad
|Thursday, August 23rd, 2018|
me trying to take it out ,i think
A lot of times when im depressed or like numb an shite i sometimes am not talking nice to family i mean like I'd talk in some not very nice attitude well OFCOORS cuse i feel like a complete shit i cant always pretend... I tried getting out of tea time today yet mammys like have something lite aniway society sucks my cousin's an aunt coming down tomorrow evening before i came here the psychiatrist spoke to me and mammy he's like said that last time i had a little bit going "down" well fuckit we're all gonna die in the end what's the freaking point anyways? when you're in the system THERE IS NO WAY OF GETTINH OUT YOU CANT FUCKING HIDE I WANT OUT OF THE SYSTEM YOU FUCKING GOT THAT?????? ITS MY FUCKING LIFE I DO NOT NEED TO BE IN A SOCIETY THAT IS HARD OF ACCEPTING ME WORS CASE EVEN DIFFERENT PPL CAN'T ACCEPT ME CUSE I DONT WANNA BE FUCKINV NORMAL LIKE FUCK YOU ALL(EXCEPT MY BEST FREIND AND FAMILY AN DOG) STOP PLEASING SOCIETY THAT JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT A LOT OF YOU DONT EVEN HAVE THE BALLS TO DO IT!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!
falling to pieces
on the inside -
that awaits me
when i come back,
to reality -
While im still breathing
my heart is left
to be crushed
by anyone whom desires to
Haunting me back
the numbness in my own mind..
Sense of reality has become,
rather distorted these days -
im not perfect
I am faultered -
I am lost"
|Sunday, August 5th, 2018|
My day was pretty much shit today i wish my Best Friend was here seems to me that nobody wanna hang out with me these days but it oks.. i guess I'll live.. or not.. idc anymore, i feel so numb an depressed... who cares anyways, am waiting for my Best Friend that all i care bout atm
Bye, Simba Current Mood: numb
A Poem idk :(
Feeling numb -
My heart breaks up,
In to small little pieces.
I am shattered,
'where the hell are you?!'
I say, with no answer..
i break in to the ground,
A voice calls out
I couldn't bealive it,
Eternal shock -
Dying from a broken heart"
- END -
Current Mood: numb, sad, depressed
|Thursday, July 26th, 2018|
"Life with you was great,
Now it's all too late -
You were my everything to me,
Without you, I can't see,
Don't go I said,
But I came too late -
You were in deep pain
The knife was already in too deep,
Come back! I said,
I'm not ok, don't you see?
But I don't care,
I hugged you long enough..
For the knife to grow weak,
You will feel hole with yourself,
|Wednesday, July 25th, 2018|
im 3xtremely sad😭😭😭😭😭😭 mammy sad 😭😭😭😭😭 my best friend gone😭😭😭😭😭😭 i cant mwke it stop im sad 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 mammy was annoyed idk what's wrong with me i want talk my best friend i have Eeyore with me an im still crying 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Current Mood: crappy
|Monday, July 23rd, 2018|
I'm sad. I'm depressed. I'm sad. I'm depressed.
it. Why does everything gotta be taken away from me? Nobody really gets me, except my best friend, he truely
gets me and fucking understands
me and he's awesome but he's gone again 😭😭😭😭😭😭 more over, I'm not getting along well with one of the workers in workplace and it makes me really angry cuse i can't speak my own fucking opinions, apparently 😢😢😢😢😢😢 tomorrow's big day. I wish I could sleep and wake up whenever situations are cooled off, if I lived in a world it'd be friendly, accepting AND
me and my best friend would meet and have lots of fun like I'd go to his house an he'd come to mine.... We're miles apart, what are the chances that that'll ever happen???😢😢😢😢😢😢
Simba Current Mood: sadCurrent Music: Vance Joy - Mess Is Mine
|Monday, June 11th, 2018|
I feel lost without my friend... He means everything to me, and now i feel so fucking empty now, it shouldn't have ended this way it's not fair😭😭😭😭 Current Mood: sad